It all really began with a random message. It said that he had a question for me and included his number. He didn’t know that I had thought he was cute since I learned that he existed. He didn’t know that I had expressed and interest and until I told him, he had no idea of how happy that message made me. Naturally I sent him a text message asking what was up. He asked if I had ever heard of the band Neon Trees. Initially I told him that I had not, but when I looked them up I realized that I had heard one of their songs on the radio. Then he explained that he had an extra ticket to a concert, and he wanted to know if I would go with him. I ended up going with him, and we had an amazing time. Later we decided that would be our first date. When he officially asked the question that began our relationship, it was a line from a Neon Trees song. “Here we go again; I kind of want to be more than friends.”
I smiled and assured him that I was proud of him, and I was. I attempted to reassure him of his talent, and that he would do a spectacular job. However my most dominant emotion wasn’t happiness for his life taking a turn for the better. Now, that is not to say that I wasn’t glad that fate had twisted in his favor and thrown him a life changing opportunity. I was, but this offer was bittersweet for me. I could see that this could be something that would be a great adventure and a good step towards his dream job. I could also see it as a step that would tear him away from me.
From the beginning our relationship was a sort of time bomb. We both knew from the beginning that there was an “end” date to our time together. That end point would be the day that I moved away, and he would stay. Now, don’t think that I rushed him into a relationship without full disclosure. He knew that I was leaving before he asked the question that started the relationship. Once I left, we would then try our luck with a long distance relationship, which I feared would quickly come to an end.
He assured me that it would not. “We can make it work. I can visit, and you can visit me. We can get a webcam and see each other that way.” Now this offer has come up and I am not sure that fate will bring us together in the end. He may end up tied to this place, and I to other places. Of course I will visit, most of my life was spent there but I don’t think that is where I am meant to live. I believe that I was meant for other places. Then again, love can overpower any dreams I could come up with.
It is possible that everything will fall perfectly into place.
Somewhere along the lines all of my doubts faded away, and I was sure that we were some of the lucky ones. We would be together, grow old and live a happy life. I decided that he was someone that I could trust and depend on. I began to need him in my life, in order to be happy. Due to the way he was a necessary part of my life, I began to doubt my ability to leave. A discussion planted the idea of staying in my mind.
Then I started to plan to stay here just for him, I was going to get a job and work my way through school. I would split from my parents much earlier than I ever intended all for love. It would be very hard but all the complications would be worth it in the end, when I was happily settled with the one I loved. I began to make it possible, keeping it a secret so that I could surprise him. When I did surprise him, things took a turn for the worse. He decided he was unsure of his feelings for me, he wasn’t sure he could handle the move. I tried to convince him that I’d stay, and that we could be together. He told me that we were being unrealistic, he couldn’t move out to be with me, and I wouldn’t stay here for him. He talks about how he is unsure about where things went wrong, and can’t say exactly what is wrong or how it could be fixed. I ask if me staying is what he wanted, his response was that he didn’t know. I asked if he wanted to be with me at all, and again he didn’t know. I let it go for a day, even though it wasn’t the way I would have liked to do things. I tried to give him time to figure out what he wanted.
In the end, it was never enough,
I admit I am not very patient, and that one day isn’t a lot of time to make important decisions but that was as long as I could let things go on undefined. I am not the type of girl to waste my time, and I am not one to keep working at something that isn’t meant to be. I again asked what he wanted, and again he told me that he didn’t know. I asked if he wanted to break up, he said he didn’t know. Then I asked if he wanted to keep dating me, again he replied that he didn’t know. So I decided that if he didn’t know that he wanted to be with me, it meant that he didn’t. When I said so, he didn’t correct me. So I ended the relationship. He wanted to be friends, I wasn’t sure I could be.
I eventually decided that I needed him in my life, and if he couldn’t love me I would have to settle for friendship. We tried, but I ended up saying something in anger. I still feel very bad about what I said, and I apologized at least five times for it. He told me that it was okay, and that we were fine.
So why did he delete my comments from his page? Why does he ignore me? Did he purposefully lie, or did he just not have the strength to tell me that he couldn’t be my friend? Does he know how it killed me each time he ignored me?
Naturally, I don’t want to hurt and I try to remove negative forces from my life. So I decided that I needed to get rid of the temptation. I threw away the ticket from our first date, I mentally transferred the gifts from him into ordinary objects, and deleted him from my friends list. I deleted his number, and since I have no need to memorize numbers because of technology my ties to him are severed completely. Now it is time for a clean break, this will be my final writing about what we shared. I won’t allow myself to talk to people about him, when his name pops into my mind, I will chastise myself. I may implement some punishment for thinking of him, like ten push-ups or a bowl of mashed potatoes. I will manage to make it to where I don’t care, and I think that means forgetting about him.What will he say when/if he finds out that I am slowly erasing him from my life?
This piece is my final goodbye to this boy. This week is my final week of being able to think of him. This week is the last that I will try to figure out what I did wrong. It is the final week that I will allow myself to even think of missing him. After this week I am going to begin to remove him from my life. I have a plan set for how to make that happen. First I won't talk about him. No more mentioning his name. Then I will stop allowing things to bring him to mind, and it will continue on like that. Any thought of him will be enforced with a "punishment" and I will be done with him.
For now I think it would be best if my life goes on as if we had never met. In the past this method for coping with a relationship has worked well for me. I am currently in a good place with the guy I practiced this on before. I can smile on what we had, but it remains in the past and I don't long for it to happen again. I know that eventually I will be to that point with this boy, but for now I need to get on to better things. So for now, it will be as if he and I had never happened.