This week, I've decided to post an excerpt from my personal notebooks. These next four (two from this year, two from 2009) pieces give a slight insight into what I've been going through.
I apologize ahead of time for the dark nature of my pieces.
Time upon time, I attempt to find more words to say. Yet I find myself puzzled and wondering, if my words amount to thoughts I wish to display. No matter how much I try, I cannot seem to describe the beauty that I've seen. Perhaps such misery is due to the imperfection that I've been. No, no, no...life now is just moving far too slow, causing me to lie to myself evermore. For all the smiles I display don't accurately amount to how love has left me sore. Still, I try and I try to figure out why I'm being tested so. Yet, I'm afraid I may never know.
Such a boring life I lead. Nothing interesting ever comes to me. It's almost as if the universe and I were never meant to be friends. The universe, and everyone else I've ever met. All is wrong, never right, especially on these idiotic nights. The air is cool and the night is swift and time seems like nothing more than something I've missed. Oh, how I wish the stars would kiss my life with something more exciting. What's wrong is how I wish upon the airplanes that are falling. Surely whenever I do my wishes will never come true. It's just my bad luck to never remake this life anew.
Every time I look towards the heavens my mind turns to grief, now that I realize a happy ending is something I cannot keep. Before my eyes, these visions spread, no longer of Tory and I in her bed. I've forgotten that much... Now, all I see is that dream of her and me in which we were joyful, to say the least. And, it reminds me of how life was that very first day, when nothing mattered and all the problems of the world seemed to drift away. It leaves me so heart broken, knowing nothing will ever be the same... and it brings me to tears, knowing we'll never be together again. I can't help this fate, no matter what I try. I can't seem to get these visions of Tory from my eye. How horrible I feel just knowing the truth, that so much love has been lost in my youth.
What is this feeling? Not even god knows.. I can't stand this, this misery, grief, fatal spirit of which I've been shown. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I could stop it, but it all ends in tears, jeers, an endless wave of all my fears coming to life before my eyes. I will plead for help, scream for help, and speak my mind, but all to ashes my attempts will lead, because never am I supposed to understand. I love her, L.O.V.E. for her, but will this cause such similar grief? Will this be another dead end? I can't take this, can't stand this uncertainty, this feeling of invisible grief and intangible misery.. I need help. I need counsel. I need something.. or else, I don't know to what actions my mind shall lead.
Fate drives me.