Thursday, January 10, 2013
Envy encapsulates many of my thoughts nowadays. My insecurities are doubled, while my stress climbs far too high. I'm worried about myself...Yet, I'm still longing for more pain. Nowadays I truly don't know who I am.
"Who am I..."
It’s the darker times that keep my soul alive. I know I shouldn’t want. I shouldn’t lust. I shouldn’t steal or envy, but all are a consequence of being me.
Who am I to the world? What impact have I made? Yes, I’m young and ignorant, but the blood that I’ve shed should still mean something…anything…if only more than stains on my carpet.
Even as the light fades and my mind becomes skewed, any problems are my fault and my fault alone. I caused this. Never is there anyone to blame but myself, and, in those times, I am truly by myself. And it’s because of this that I am beside myself, with one voice knowing the kindness of the world and the second voice seeing nothing but tragedy.
Oh, how I love the darkness! Such a fact is sad but true. I’m a masochist in the worst way and a thinker who knows that happiness is fleeting until the day when a hand stands to pull me out and away from the tragedy that surrounds my brain.
Before then, I’ll collapse and break as I have done every week since Audrey’s been away. I will drop to the bottom of the grave that I dig with my continued existence, my—so far—meaningless existence…To the tune of the second voice I will fall as the light in me escapes to become something else, something better than I could ever be.
It is the darkness that keeps me alive, and I’m scared. I’m terrified that one day I will fall and never get back up. I’m horrified at the thought of becoming lifeless and lightless and trapped in a place where I will never see her again…never see her smile again…never hear her laugh again…
Who am I to the world? I couldn’t care less, as long as I’m still something to her.