Wednesday, January 12, 2011

"London Calling"

The gray clouds outside look like they came straight from London. There’s no bustle though, no tall buildings looming over and threatening to topple, crush our very beings with their stark, bland beauty. No. There’s just a gray sky, some leafless trees, and a frozen shaking feeling inside of me.
You can’t let any one person be your happiness. They’re going to let you down. You have to find happiness somewhere else. Find it, find it, find it.
It’s major to minor again, love. Only a matter of seconds. I hope you can understand these fever-spun memories because they’re the only things going to be left behind of me. Those and the passionate screaming lullabies I’ve amassed in this time.
I want love. I hate love. It’s all a bunch of disconnected words. How do I find sanity in this madness? This was supposed to be something nice.
And the lights twinkle my love, pretty little darlings. I could cry for this, I could laugh, I could sing. This history will follow us, before and after and now.
I like feeling insane. It makes the words come. It makes my fingers dance across this keyboard like my legs cannot. I will do anything to preserve that.
I beat life with a bat. I speak all these nonsense words about living it and lock it in a closet when I get home from the nine to five. Can you understand me? Can anyone understand me? Sometimes I think I really am insane. Meant for the loony bin, meant to be separated from everyone, from anyone else. How do I let this keep going when I know what it’s doing to me? I feel myself letting go of the wheel but I can’t stop. I have to keep going. The wheels spin, the brakes jerk, but my foot is still ramming the pedal to the floor. I’ve no originality.
It’s like holding on to you is holding me back. But I can’t bear to let you go. I can’t bear to forget. It needs help it needs lubrication. It needs drugs it needs alcohol. It’s like a cancer in the middle of my brain. I can’t get at it.
This is all so simple. I’m tired of feeling insane.
winter blooms and I’m gone again.

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